TW: will briefly mention some destructive behaviours but will talk more about them in general
To be honest, I’m really struggling today- the last few weeks really, but that soon become more weeks, and months and so on which is unhelpful so I’ll talk about today. I’m feeling like brain is just completely toying with me in a cruel,playful kind of way in which I am just a bystander to my own sanity.
I woke up feeling completely overwhelmed- I heard a fellow service user say ‘frightened by life’ in a group yesterday and it really struck a chord. My eyes opened dramatically this morning as I realised I was waking up to a full blown anxiety attack that was happening while I was dreaming. This has been happening loads recently, dreaming about people leaving me, dreaming about taking my life- whatever’s on my mind. It’s so disheartening as it means I start the day in a bad way and I can’t say to myself in my sleep ‘come on now this thinking isn’t helpful’ or ‘time to apply DBT skills now- time to be more mindful’ I am helpless to it. But then thats what serious mental illness seems to do, renders you helpless- then, with help people overcome that daily in remarkable ways, but thats still what illness of any kind tries to do.
Plus living with my own emotionality is just exhausting and makes me loathe myself so entirely and utterly. I just feel physically sick with the constant flow of strong emotions I get- the gut-wrenching despair, the lump-in-your-throat sadness, the trembling anxiety- the anger(!!), the child-like attachment problems and all I can do is be mindful, use my skills, hear these therapists/psychiatrists voices in my head saying ‘try this, try that- coping tools, coping tools, coping tools!’ And to be honest I’m going between manic ‘I’m in recovery’ mode- I can conquer this all- I”VE MADE JUICEE AND BAKED AND SIGNED CAMPAIGNS so on so on, to ‘this is just all too much’ going back to my numerous problemed coping behaviours- SH & suicidal ideation, eating issues, occasional serious aggression, obsessive cleaning etc. And I still like to think I’m in control of them, you know of ‘of course I can stop when I actually want to’ but actually I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m lying to myself. I mean when the going gets tough I suppose thats when you know what you rely on, and I guess thats quite telling in my case…
I’ve had enough hospital admissions, I’m meant to be trying going back to college part time in a week and I do want these things (despite my twisted fantasies about more validation and recognition from others) but the effort one has to put in daily just feels enough to make any person throw their hands in the air and really ask themselves why their trying at all, let alone someone with a condition that makes them have no idea who they are and constantly change between intense emotions. The truth is I’m just feeling so alone at the moment and detached, the twitter community has actually helped loads but I suppose I’m writing this to stop ruminating, get it out but also because I’m interested to see if others feel this way etc?
My rants over, thanks for reading- do drop me a comment.