Had a conversation with a friend- she’s wonderful and religious, but I just can’t seem to be able to see the two together. Not after my experiences recently. I’d say this is an unusually dark post so trigger warnings there, I describe some of my symptoms. If you are able, thanks for reading- I had to write this one out, I’ve been feeling so down recently.
The Demon Speaks
You were meant to be all that I needed
But you and your people just made me worse.
I can’t get over you- you’ve left your mark on me
But is it the spirit or is it my scars?
When I think of how you’ve treated me
All I can feel is cruelty.
I’m not living in poverty; I’ve got a home and family
But you’ve given me a brain that traps me, disables me
Its not spontaneity or creativity really
Its madness and insecurity- it’s my darkest fears of insanity.
You weren’t there when I needed you-
You let me fall into danger and captivity
And the only experience I’ve had of you recently
Is a voice in my head pretending to be you- deceiving me.
My mind messes with my life- I think of suicide and smile,
I trusted you, I cried to you- I did all the things I was ‘supposed’ to do
Yet my church let me down, when I needed them
My prayers were just useless-
All I got back was nurses telling me I was demonic and possessed
And a belief that God wanted me dead.
When I’m not a monster or demon just a desperate human.
You’re meant to be all that I need
You’ve failed me
But I can’t do this alone.
If you’re there- why have you let this illness destroy me?
Why have you let me see things that haunt me?
Why do you make me feel like dying endlessly?
And why can’t I forget about you and leave this all well alone?
It’s cruelty. These thoughts I can’t live with
I’d rather you had never created me
It’s cruelty. It’s insanity
I cry behind my cheerful laughs daily.