The Demon Speaks

Had a conversation with a friend- she’s wonderful and religious, but I just can’t seem to be able to see the two together. Not after my experiences recently. I’d say this is an unusually dark post so trigger warnings there, I describe some of my symptoms. If you are able, thanks for reading- I had to write this one out, I’ve been feeling so down recently.

The Demon Speaks

You were meant to be all that I needed

But you and your people just made me worse.

I can’t get over you- you’ve left your mark on me

But is it the spirit or is it my scars?

When I think of how you’ve treated me

All I can feel is cruelty.

I’m not living in poverty; I’ve got a home and family

But you’ve given me a brain that traps me, disables me

Its not spontaneity or creativity really

Its madness and insecurity- it’s my darkest fears of insanity.

You weren’t there when I needed you-

You let me fall into danger and captivity

And the only experience I’ve had of you recently

Is a voice in my head pretending to be you- deceiving me.

My mind messes with my life- I think of suicide and smile,

I trusted you, I cried to you- I did all the things I was ‘supposed’ to do

Yet my church let me down, when I needed them

My prayers were just useless-

All I got back was nurses telling me I was demonic and possessed

And a belief that God wanted me dead.

When I’m not a monster or demon just a desperate human.

You’re meant to be all that I need

You’ve failed me

But I can’t do this alone.

If you’re there- why have you let this illness destroy me?

Why have you let me see things that haunt me?

Why do you make me feel like dying endlessly?

And why can’t I forget about you and leave this all well alone?

It’s cruelty. These thoughts I can’t live with

I’d rather you had never created me

It’s cruelty. It’s insanity

I cry behind my cheerful laughs daily.

desparate-prayer

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4 thoughts on “The Demon Speaks

  1. The magnitude of the struggle that is expressed within the lines of this piece is tremendous. No one can truly understand that type of pain and suffering without living it. Sometimes, putting it into words is the most necessary step to overcoming. I truly hope you are able to overcome this turmoil. Well expressed

  2. Another piece of writing filled to bursting point with emotion, If my meds didn’t prevent it of me, I’d definitely be crying.

    It’s amazing how our experiences lead us to question our faith. Although I had a religious education and, growing up, faith was part of our daily lives, I’ve not practised my religion for years. But some of the things I have survived, when science should really have prevailed, dictating an alternative outcome have led me to believe that someone, somewhere is watching out for me.

    in any case, keep writing it out and we’ll get through this together #wecandohardthings xxx

  3. First of all, I greatly admire your honesty…I feel that many well-meaning church goers say things to others who are struggling that only makes the situation worse.

    “Have you prayed about it?”
    “If you have enough faith, God will heal you.”
    “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
    “You should read your bible more.”
    Etc.

    I’m not here to preach to you, but I do want to offer first some empathy, then some encouragement. First, I’m so sorry you’ve been feeling so low. That must be so heavy and difficult for you, especially feeling like the church, your religious friends, and God himself have betrayed and abandoned you. Your emotions are valid…don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Second, I am praying for you this morning, that hope and rest would cover you, even if only for a moment. That Godly friends would shut up and stop saying unhelpful, meaningless religious crap and just love you in the middle of your heartache, and that the Spirit of truth will be active in your life.

    The bible and my own experience show me that following God doesn’t mean everything is going to feel good. But He gives me hope–that I am loved, that he is trustworthy and good, and that my life has purpose and meaning. It’s okay to be hurt and angry because of what you are experiencing. I’m proud of you for being so honest and real…that is a rare and wonderful quality. I believe that God knows your struggle and desires to be your comfort and hope. I’m sorry if I’ve sounded preachy…I just wanted to share that I believe you are loved and known by God.

  4. Thank you for sharing this and know and believe that your not alone in this fight I have issues which is a reason I started to blog to feel connected and to learn that I am worth the air I breathe again thank you lovely post

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