It’s hard to know what to write. I feel so utterly lost it feels like a maze. Or a prison. Where I watch everyone go about while I’m trapped by this. Whatever this is. I know I’m a stones throw from ending up back in hospital and I wouldn’t go voluntarily I don’t think which would mean getting sectioned. But I’m not strong enough to keep up with my well contemporaries. Some of my friends aren’t but some of them are having the time of their lives- discovering themselves and the opportunities available to them. Studying, partying etc. and I just watch. Or I listen. And I can’t tell them but it makes me hurt hearing about it and I’m angry that I can’t be happy for them. I mean, has the world gone mad or is it me? Why has this happened to me? It may seem pathetic but when you’ve spent the whole day/week/month trying to fight on. Studying, doing puzzles, colouring, drawing, not isolating but still end up facing the wall as it feels like your chest will just explode with the tears your crying and trying to keep silent. When despair is a daily struggle. What the Hell? Really though, what the Hell? All these small things get to me, gather round me. Trapping me.
So This is all I can manage right now. I’m crying. I’m hoping. I’m holding on but my heads screaming, my chests caving and my digestion has decided to go alongside with the rest of my body in trying to tell me something needs to change. But what? What does everyone want? What do I want? Why is this happening?