Sorry not to have been posting much recently (other than re-posts of some very wise and inspiring things others bloggers have written) there has just been a lot going on for me. So to back up that pathetic excuse I thought I’d give those who are interested a little update. **Those who are struggling with self destructive urges whether that be suicide, SH or eating problems may perhaps not want to read this.**
So after having quite a few good weeks I’ve crashed again (as the cycle goes unfortunately.) However, those good weeks are nothing to be dismissed. In fact, I made some decisions about my future in regards to whether I should carry on in full-time (really part time) education or whether to explore other areas. I decided I would stop 6th form at the end of this year hopefully leaving with some decent AS levels as that would be the most beneficial thing to do for my health right now and it would allow me to move on from a high-achieving, fast paced, comparative world into one more individualised to suit my needs. This was a very positive step and I am pleased to have been able to come to a decision. I’ve also joined an RCIA group which is a group all Catholic churches worldwide have for adults wishing to become members of the church, i.e ‘Catholics.’ It is proving very beneficial to me (surprisingly?!) And, so far, I’ve had nothing but good experiences, unlike those of my old church. Working on my faith in a much slower, healthier way than before is really making me feel more peaceful (CRINGE BUT TRUE!) and able to accept, begrudgingly, whats happening with my life.
Along with this, my care has now formally transferred from the CMHT to a Complex Needs Team, specialising in severe problems associated with personality disorder. As a result of this I am starting an 18 month cycle of DBT next week which includes 2 appointments weekly all year round. The thought of this is scary but I’m sure it will be good for me and sadly it is much needed. As part of this I have had to write behaviours to decrease (i.e ‘unhelpful self destructive behaviours’ intended to lessen emotional pain & distress that I have used before.) This, along with writing up my goals, had been difficult and scary but I want to make a commitment (she says gritting her teeth as her head screams no no no!) So I’m going to tell readers of my blog what they are, unfortunately I have to be very specific so I ask anyone reading this to not judge me:
- Suicide by ligature
- Suicide by Jumping into traffic
- Suicide by jumping out of buildings
- Suicide by overdose
- Self harm by cutting myself
- Self harm by hitting myself
- Self harm by punching walls
- Self harm by banging my head
- Self harm by burning myself
- Self harm by restricting food/not eating
- Self harm by Purging/making myself sick
- Impulsive over-spending
- Impulsive Under-spending
Lordy. This really makes me think.
While my self harm by ‘cutting’ has been decreased lately due to me really not wanting more scars, purging has really been a problem for me. And the lack of food staying in me is leaving me feeling weak and headachy, not forgetting the stomach pains. The trouble is if I allow myself to eat and keep food down I then feel very suicidal, as I just don’t think I deserve it. But even in regards to weight its not helping me as though I have awful stretch marks from putting weight on very quickly (damn you Quetiapine & Olanzapine) I now also have those from losing weight too quickly.
I’m aware that if there are any people reading this who have not had mental health problems these may seem disgusting however I want to emphasise for my and for others sakes these behaviours do not feel like a choice. They feel like a method of survival, of functioning, and keeping on a brave face, or at least not a sobbing suicidal mess. It’s very tough. Most cannot just stop these behaviours, they have to replaced by healthier coping strategies but that takes time and that is why I’m committing to DBT.
Really, if I’m to survive and live I need help. And if I fought this far, it would be a waste of my pain and those who love me to give up on myself now.