The last two days have been really tough with overwhelming feelings of shame and depression. However, I think I’ve coped quite well and with that comes a sense of achievement which I don’t get often- So I’m making a special note of it.
On Easter Saturday I was convinced that if I went out of the house everyone would stare because of how awful I looked and this was utterly overwhelming to the point I decided I wouldn’t be able to go out again so I prepared a chair and blanket by the window where I could look out and see people as I didn’t want to give into suicidal thoughts. At this point DBT kicked in and I realised this could be a chance for opposite action (where you purposefully do the absolute opposite from what the emotion you’re feeling is telling you to do because the extent of the emotion is unhelpful.) I rubbed lavender oil on my hands and feet mindfully and read part of my book, trying to remember I was loved by God. I also washed my hair (I hadn’t had a shower for quite a long time) and texted my friend. She made the good point that considering how bad I was already feeling going out couldn’t make me feel much worse so I went to the evening mass where some friends were getting confirmed. This turned out to be a very positive decision. It was an absolutely stunning ceremony in the dark where we lit candles and I saw my friends baptised and confirmed, and I got a bit dressed up. I have never experienced anything quite like and there was a sense that, yes, this is part of me now- even when I’m not feeling like it Easter is an obligatory mass and I will be doing this every year of my life. Plus it was so special I realised I wanted to be alive for when this happened next year (quite aside from the fact that should be when I get confirmed.)
The next morning the situation was similar. I was not feeling easter, I wanted to binge on chocolate and be done with. The self destructive thoughts and depression were quite strong and the last thing I wanted to was have a family meal. Anyway, I endured it went back to my room and when the suicidal thoughts became intolerable instead of harming myself I used opposite action again and put the oil on my hands and feet. Watched funny youtube videos and sorted and folded my whole wardrobe. This all took quite a long time and I was texting a friend which helped. I truly believe a few months ago I would have tried to kill myself the last few days or at least been left with some various serious scars but instead I lived through it.
This morning I sorted out my work and went stationary shopping.
It has been a very hard few days. The kind where you truly can’t see a future for yourself even into the next hour and you think that suicide is the right thing to do. But minute by minute I got through it. And that was an achievement.