Sense of Achievement

The last two days have been really tough with overwhelming feelings of shame and depression. However, I think I’ve coped quite well and with that comes a sense of achievement which I don’t get often- So I’m making a special note of it.

On Easter Saturday I was convinced that if I went out of the house everyone would stare because of how awful I looked and this was utterly overwhelming to the point I decided I wouldn’t be able to go out again so I prepared a chair and blanket by the window where I could look out and see people as I didn’t want to give into suicidal thoughts. At this point DBT kicked in and I realised this could be a chance for opposite action (where you purposefully do the absolute opposite from what the emotion you’re feeling is telling you to do because the extent of the emotion is unhelpful.) I rubbed lavender oil on my hands and feet mindfully and read part of my book, trying to remember I was loved by God. I also washed my hair (I hadn’t had a shower for quite a long time) and texted my friend. She made the good point that considering how bad I was already feeling going out couldn’t make me feel much worse so I went to the evening mass where some friends were getting confirmed. This turned out to be a very positive decision. It was an absolutely stunning ceremony in the dark where we lit candles and I saw my friends baptised and confirmed, and I got a bit dressed up. I have never experienced anything quite like and there was a sense that, yes, this is part of me now- even when I’m not feeling like it Easter is an obligatory mass and I will be doing this every year of my life. Plus it was so special I realised I wanted to be alive for when this happened next year (quite aside from the fact that should be when I get confirmed.)

The next morning the situation was similar. I was not feeling easter, I wanted to binge on chocolate and be done with. The self destructive thoughts and depression were quite strong and the last thing I wanted to was have a family meal. Anyway, I endured it went back to my room and when the suicidal thoughts became intolerable instead of harming myself I used opposite action again and put the oil on my hands and feet. Watched funny youtube videos and sorted and folded my whole wardrobe. This all took quite a long time and I was texting a friend which helped. I truly believe a few months ago I would have tried to kill myself the last few days or at least been left with some various serious scars but instead I lived through it.

This morning I sorted out my work and went stationary shopping.

It has been a very hard few days. The kind where you truly can’t see a future for yourself even into the next hour and you think that suicide is the right thing to do. But minute by minute I got through it. And that was an achievement.

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2 thoughts on “Sense of Achievement

  1. Hey, Little One,

    I’m so sorry I haven’t managed to catch up with your blog before now. No excuse other than my own stuff getting in the way. I can only imagine how hard you must have found it, making ‘opposite choices’, but I’m so proud of you for putting all that you’ve learned into practice in order to, well, survive.

    Love from a friend,

    Louise xxx

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