What do I really want?

I’ve been meaning to write a blog for ages , even written them but not posted on various topics but my minds been all over the place since I sat my exams.

Itch_Circuits_HMS

(TW: self harm & suicide)

My ramblings today are going to be on what I really want, as the title suggests, with regards to getting well, giving up self harm and suicidal behaviours and hospital admission. Those who read this blog will know I have real problems with validation and believing I am unwell and as a result of this my motivation becomes problematic, as it is at the moment.

This last week, I’m not sure why, my desire to overdose especially and self harm seriously has been incredibly strong. I have resisted through food, distraction and the support of others but in the long term I’m struggling to see the point. It’s been a year now since my last admission and that really bothers me as I struggle with that for validation- am I really serious at all? Do people think I’m overdramatic? My mind, in some ways, has hazed over the absolute Hell of my admissions and the behaviour that got me there and somehow has idealised it as a source of comfort- how can this be?!

I don’t want to die- I’ve asserted that when thinking seriously about overdosing, in my attempts to do the DBT thing and talk myself rationally out of it. I just want a break, a restarting point, a short admission, a time where I’m taken seriously, the release of emotion, the scar.

On the other hand- reflecting on the various issues there

  • I don’t want to die- an overdose is risking that and the pain that would cause relatives especially f they knew it was an accident
  • That leaves it as self harming- what purpose would that serve me: I would have to go to hospital, resulting in a break from this stressful world, where the soul focus is just surviving, a short admission and recognition of a suicide attempt and possibly using services such as the home treatment team would validate me- however, because I can’t validate myself that wouldn’t  work as I can see from my past- a certain diagnosis I’ve been wanting, an admission, another admission, use of various services…it’s NEVER enough I always feel pathetic and invalidated because it’s a REALITY IN MY MIND- in the real world, most people would regard me as having been seriously ill…I think. Plus being in hospital, where there will be more unwell people will invalidate me further anyway…for god’s sake.
  • As for the self harm scar, in my head I feel my scars aren’t bad enough- once again, pathetic, doesn’t show how unwell I am etc BUT again I hate my scars and as much as I desire them to show others how serious my illness has been its a fictional fantasy of my mind I have shown my arms to very very few people almost all close family members when I’m in pyjamas or doctors when I’ve had blood tests, I hate people seeing them and they are worse than they use to be and they will never be enough to validate me- because its my internal thought process thats wrong- it has nothing to do with my arms. Furthermore, I don’t want new scars, I don’t want stitches. I feel pathetic for not having had stitches, despite having been told for some of them I should have had stitches, I want them as the final step, as if THEN I can stop, then I will finally know it’s serious and that will be recognised but I’ve had so many goals like that- most have come true and none have given me that desired final validation.

I’m itchy all over with urges, my shoulders have tensed up, and I’m very irritable, and I can think of a hundred and one reasons why I want to get worse, self harm badly, overdose and maybe go into hospital however they are my mind torturing me there is no rational long term plan in reality. The problem is I’m disconnected from the bad feelings I’m having, haven’t been checking in but instead distracting to stay happier and these emotions have got so intense that my suicide and self harm urges are creeping up to quite an extreme level and I’m scared for what will happen in the future, I’m not sure I can do this ‘recovery’ thing- I don’t even know what it looks like and so in order that I do self harm, doing something self harm to reduce the intensity of emotions my BPD mind is coming up with all sorts of complicated reasons why an ill future looks better than one of hard working management.

Until writing this I’ve been completely unaware of how I’ve actually been feeling- now I know I guess. Wish me strength though because I don’t think it would be possible, despite emotionally feeling OK, for my shoulders to be any more tense and my skin anymore irritable. ARGH. But it’s that DBT thing an Itch doesn’t necessarily mean a scratch.

love to you all.

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3 thoughts on “What do I really want?

  1. Sorry I’m only now catching up on your blog, Beth.

    I can identify with a lot of this (as you know). But please don’t think you need to do yourself harm before people believe you’re ill. I think the fact that this is something you believe makes it pretty clear that you’re already ill…if that makes sense…

    As I’m reading this late, I hope that you’ve managed to work through some of this stuff and are feeling a bit better about things. You know where I am…

    Louise xx

  2. I relate so much to the way you feel and the ways you seek/ have sought validation. Sooooo much. It is so nice to not feel alone in this, especially because I judge myself so harshly for feeling this way on top of everything else. X

  3. Pingback: Inspiration/advice anyone? Please…? | BethCanReflect's Blog

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