People often say you can’t live life half-heartedly.
I would have been one of those people only a few years ago. I made clear to people I would never be prepared to live without passion because ‘without passion there is nothing.’
Yet that is completely what I am doing now. I live and try living until it gets too much and then I say I’m done. I retreat back into suicidality where there is always a Plan B, another option- giving up on life. I’ll try living as long as I have the option B. But this outlook makes me feel weak when I reflect on it. These behaviours are just not in line with my values.
I’m in DBT though- perhaps I should be committing to living %100. You know, sign a contract with myself, with others?
For right now I feel apathy and I reckon I should be scared by that disconnect. I do something to myself I don’t care. I do something I enjoy and I just can’t connect to that feeling of joy the next day. My mind dumbs it down. In my head I think about and research things that might help constantly- I remain deeply confused about the way out of this. That’s my head but in my heart, the eagerness and fear for the very real danger to my own life, the desire to fight it- it just doesn’t seem to be there. But as another blogger commented recently on a post- why am I bothering then?
I may not be thinking it but I’m going about the actions to recover, putting expectations on myself, telling myself that it’s not okay that I feel this apathy. That I should feel scared, should have goals and wants and shouldn’t play about with death. And it’s true; deep deep down that desire to live, for survival, must be there burning and alight. The child crying out to be loved and to love, to feel, communicate and connect. Perhaps I should judge by my actions rather than thoughts because right now my thoughts are just confusing me.
Why bother? Because I must want to live whether I let myself feel that or not.
Or am I just going through the motions- what’s expected of me? (My thoughts budging in again.)
A rambling confused blog written by a confused mind.