Short Ramble on a lot of things.

A) Friends. Anyone with BPD (and perhaps many other mental illnesses?) knows friendships can be a tricky thing to manage. They in themselves can be perfect-with perfect people where there is mutual huggly-ness (yes it’s a word.) The problem is how to manage them when your inner life is all over the shop. I mask a lot of whats going on for me from them- which they might be surprised or not to know- but sometimes I can be fiercely jealous of them around others, envious, angry, insecure, hurt,needing reassurance, wanting affection etc. Tricky not to be an overwhelming wreck ha! This said I got the nicest feeling the other day when I texted a friend just with ‘you there?’ and she just replied yeah, need a chat? OH it warmed my dandy little heart. We then a had a normal chat over FaceTime which distracted me from my suicidal urges, to a stable place where we both got to chat about what was going on for us in a nice open calm way-not intense. Oh lovely 🙂 I’ve used it for my DBT homework we share at the start of each group- opposite action- the intensity of the emotion anxiety and self-destructive urges went down from a 95 to a 35. Fab.

B) After a reading an article earlier today which said a boy planning a massacre at his college in Manchester had ‘personality disorders’ but had never had acute mental illness my first thought was to seek reassurance from my Mum that I had acute mental illness. I resisted this urge as I knew the answer she would give me was yes but it wouldn’t validate me enough. I have been in hospital, I am in intensive psychiatric treatment and am on psychiatric medication and suffer with the blend of psychological and biological emotional, cognitive and behavioural difficulties that culminate into Acute and serious mental illness. Beneath the worry thoughts I intuitively and certainly believe I have acute mental illness and it fits the facts also (a skill in DBT used to determine whether a belief is warranted.) I was going to say BPD should not be in the same category as narcissistic or antisocial personality disorder as I feel I have an illness but I know people with BPD who I would question that with. So it’s tricky. BPD is too huge a category, everyone knows this in the psychiatric world. All we can ultimately rely on is the people we know personally with diagnoses and how they are. I have a debilitating illness which goes far deeper than behaviour, I have a friend diagnosed with Avoidant PD who I also know has serious mental illness.

C) Body Positivity. I am learning about it after reading up on The ugly side of Beauty- a blogger who from reading up about her have found inspiring. Inspiring me this evening to do some self soothe. I moisturised, shaved my legs, blow-dryed my hair, and painted my nails clear (something I still don’t know is me or not) and I chose my outfits for the next 3 days so I wouldn’t be wearing an unflattering T-shirt and trackies for all of them.

D) I am considering claiming benefits and moving out of my family home. That’s all I will write as the thought has been becoming a bit obsessive despite it beginning sensibly with planning and is now causing me anxiety.

E) People who are positive and I can learn from. I’ve always hated this word positive just because it reminds me of people who I judge as becoming a bit self-obsessed. However, recently I am learning more about it in different contexts. A time I’m giving myself permission to use it is when I come across people who I feel if I sent more time with it would benefit my mental health. I came across two of those people today. Some family friends with a daughter who was in my sister’s year at school. They are a gay couple who are hilarious, accepting and embracing to say the least. 2 Lovely ladies who have this charm and radical-ness to them that I learn from.

F) After doing a lot for a few days (makes me tired and although keeps me distracted from thoughts and makes me feel fulfilled tiredness makes me vulnerable) I get tempted for days with nothing planned but they always seem to end up with urges. Note to self to remember this.


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