A friend who read through my blog today noticed I hadn’t blogged as much recently at all and encouraged me to get back to it and it is indeed good for me so I thought I’d do a quick one now as I lie in bed waiting for my Quetiapine to kick in along with the cocktails I’ve had tonight.
This evening I went on a date. ‘A DATE!!!!’ you say- ‘Yes A date!!’- Surely not Beth! Not the Beth we know!!? A date indeed a date.
I went out with a nice guy although quite a bit older who was really lovely and whom I had very interested conversations with. And that in itself was great. Fab in fact.
Not because I think it will lead anywhere but purely because that’s a massive step for me and I just want to take a step back and celebrate that. The last time I went out with anyone I was assaulted. One barrier. Pretty crushing self loathing that gets in the way most of the time and stops me from being assertive, meeting new people and putting myself out there generally not even thinking about romantic/relationship wise. Two barrier. How I explain my current lifestyle and my world revolving around mental health. Three Barrier. Scars, young age, weight put on and all that ‘small stuff’ Four barrier.
This was important for me and I got it right.
It was good practice for me. I learnt how to describe my situation to someone not in the ‘mental health world’ I learnt to hold my head high and learnt that I was desirable and likeable and not just laugh and turn around worthy- when someone sees me.
Alongside this I managed my BPD impulsivity urging me to get in dangerous situations, self sabotage, and act for a quick release. I never knew I had this side to me but I know now that I do and in that self awareness I’ve proven to myself that I can manage it.
Nice guy- perhaps would like to keep in touch with friends. Nice evening
And massive massive step for Beth.